2008-05-27 - 10:16 p.m.
my problem is that i keep forgiving him. or i keep thinking oh, i should just approach him as a friend. but then i fall back in the trap of seeing meaning in nothingness.
i emailed him last week a few times. once or twice with questions. and he didn't respond. instead on sat he sends something about bobby jindal. i don't care about bobby jindal. let him be vice president for all i care. bobby jindal, assimilationist, rejector of everything of his past, white man in a brown body, means nothing to me.
could he not have simply answered my question? no.
so i am again on this quest to purge him from my life. so far i am doing ok. 4 days.
i wrote a question on a sikh message board. to ask what i should do. one answer was cutting, telling me that given my age i shouldn't waste time. the other answers were about the difference between love and attachment (good vs. bad couched in the story of control.) another answer was a new-agey rethink, release, and repackage your energy answer. that is the first time i have ever written on a message board for an answer to a life dilemna.
i have solicited all my friends. most everyone tells me to just throw him out of my life. i don't know why i don't listen to my friends. i know they know what is right, but i just can't get my act together enough to listen to them. so i turned to strangers. there was something sort of cleansing in asking a deeply personal question to a crowd of strangers. i didn't have to present my dilemna in a qualified logical way. i just said what it is: attachment to someone who doesn't care.
i have a maladaptive personality.
in high school i crushed on a boy for 2 years. and then his best friend for the next 2 years. in the morning in my shower i would say their names a thousand times. i don't know why i do this.
in college i moved on to a few other chaps. at the end of college there was one guy who i absolutenly adored. he knew it. but he gave me the same "that's nice" treatment. then we graduated. and he suddenly showed interest. but i was broken already and didn't thrill at the attention.
then there was post-college. one guy who was mostly in love with me, but convinced me that i should invest time and energy into him. and then he packed himself to india and found a wife when i didn't relent totally. and then there was the forbidden guy, from the forbidden country, who changed my life in good ways and bad ways. he was an addiction.
and then there was a few years of nothingness, just complete solipsism. i think this is all probably solipsism, but sometimes it is more deep than other times.
and now it has been this guy. this person i really think is the most awesome character to have ever crossed my path. in front of whom i have made a fool of myself a thousand times, mostly over email, saying stupid things, putting forward my worst foot, speaking from intense high strung emotion, or even worse, the desire to impress with an astouding observation which comes across as complete egotistical self-absorption. or on the phone, not able to say anything of substance, anything to reflect my intelligence. or in person, a complete mute just enamored that i am in this man's presence. a complete DUMB fool.
a thousand mistakes is all i am. a thousand and one mistakes.
